Black dog days and therapy
Hm, this post was nearly started several times but really when one is having a black dog day one isn't company even on a blog.
This year has been so great, it was like New Year rolled around and I had this "This is going to be the year life gets better and more normal" feeling. Then I discovered blogging and friends far and wide , then the knitting olympics and well the rest is history as they say. [ Altho have to be honest must spend time figuring out and tidying up the sidebar.!]
But only now just the odd day that black pit of grief opens and I whallow for a while. So many losses and so much buried grief..... This past month has been so strange. The kids go to their Mums' now every second weekend. This is great and I really enjoy having every second Sunday "off" but I am like a lost soul. So much I could do with the time but can't seem to get to it. I realise they were a good distraction , kept me busy and "out of my head". So this week Sunday rolls around and I sink into grief, no kids to distract. How one can feel so lonely in a crowded room. But now at least I had the sense to go do some gardening , go for a walk, drive up and visit Mum. By then feeling more "normal". Nothing like pulling a few weeds to dispel a black mood.
Nothing like getting in a car , turning the stero up and putting the foot down as well, but that is not the safest option. :)
When my husband was so sick and begging me to "let him go" I said that I couldn't as when he went I would lose myself as well. And in a way it feels like that at times. He was the one I shared so many memories with, the kids growing up , holidays, no one who remembers those days now. I feel on these times that I have lost myself as well. It is not easy rebuilding a life at 50, starting out again is so hard.
But I AM MAKING IT..... it is just taking longer that I thought possible and I am old and tired at times.
Anyway that was Sunday. Yesterday had such a lovely day at home pottering about , tidied the garage , got rid of lots of junk and best of all, knitting , weaving and spinning. See this is my therapy.
But I tell you, what I wouldn't give for an electric yarn winder.....!!!!! After winding 5 balls of fine 2ply Merino in black and white for my next weaving project my arm was ready to drop off.
Two pis of the loom ready to go.....
But I think I may need to borrow a finer reed with more DPI this one seems a little to wide...hmmm.
Next up, finally I have managed to find a brown yarn that goes close enough to the yarn I already had. Remember this... well in the pic below you can see a square I had left + the one in the middle which was the original sample and one on the right which is the first of the squares knitted to go around the hem of the dress to go with the above. I hope to finish it to put in our fashion parade next year.
Next up is a rather blurry pic of some spun hemp plyed with silk. Half of a sample I am doing for our advanced spinners group. Will do the next half and ply with linen. So must get on with it as it should have been finished weeks ago. [ post script - have now spun half the rest of the hemp so getting there.]
Now a finished object with a banana for scale. They are so "cute". I am now up to the heel on the second pair so they should be finished in good time.
Last but not least a new project. Some tencil to spin. Hmmm it should dye well and be part of a devore project. Perhaps plyed with silk and knitted into a lacy scarf with burn out areas.
Anyway you can see what a lifeline craft has always been for me. Better away to turn a heel. Knit on all.
Cheers >^..^<
This year has been so great, it was like New Year rolled around and I had this "This is going to be the year life gets better and more normal" feeling. Then I discovered blogging and friends far and wide , then the knitting olympics and well the rest is history as they say. [ Altho have to be honest must spend time figuring out and tidying up the sidebar.!]
But only now just the odd day that black pit of grief opens and I whallow for a while. So many losses and so much buried grief..... This past month has been so strange. The kids go to their Mums' now every second weekend. This is great and I really enjoy having every second Sunday "off" but I am like a lost soul. So much I could do with the time but can't seem to get to it. I realise they were a good distraction , kept me busy and "out of my head". So this week Sunday rolls around and I sink into grief, no kids to distract. How one can feel so lonely in a crowded room. But now at least I had the sense to go do some gardening , go for a walk, drive up and visit Mum. By then feeling more "normal". Nothing like pulling a few weeds to dispel a black mood.
Nothing like getting in a car , turning the stero up and putting the foot down as well, but that is not the safest option. :)
When my husband was so sick and begging me to "let him go" I said that I couldn't as when he went I would lose myself as well. And in a way it feels like that at times. He was the one I shared so many memories with, the kids growing up , holidays, no one who remembers those days now. I feel on these times that I have lost myself as well. It is not easy rebuilding a life at 50, starting out again is so hard.
But I AM MAKING IT..... it is just taking longer that I thought possible and I am old and tired at times.
Anyway that was Sunday. Yesterday had such a lovely day at home pottering about , tidied the garage , got rid of lots of junk and best of all, knitting , weaving and spinning. See this is my therapy.
But I tell you, what I wouldn't give for an electric yarn winder.....!!!!! After winding 5 balls of fine 2ply Merino in black and white for my next weaving project my arm was ready to drop off.
Two pis of the loom ready to go.....
But I think I may need to borrow a finer reed with more DPI this one seems a little to wide...hmmm.
Next up, finally I have managed to find a brown yarn that goes close enough to the yarn I already had. Remember this... well in the pic below you can see a square I had left + the one in the middle which was the original sample and one on the right which is the first of the squares knitted to go around the hem of the dress to go with the above. I hope to finish it to put in our fashion parade next year.
Next up is a rather blurry pic of some spun hemp plyed with silk. Half of a sample I am doing for our advanced spinners group. Will do the next half and ply with linen. So must get on with it as it should have been finished weeks ago. [ post script - have now spun half the rest of the hemp so getting there.]
Now a finished object with a banana for scale. They are so "cute". I am now up to the heel on the second pair so they should be finished in good time.
Last but not least a new project. Some tencil to spin. Hmmm it should dye well and be part of a devore project. Perhaps plyed with silk and knitted into a lacy scarf with burn out areas.
Anyway you can see what a lifeline craft has always been for me. Better away to turn a heel. Knit on all.
Cheers >^..^<
posted by Beverley at 10:24 pm
2 Comments:
My sympathy to you on the passing of your husband. My dear mother passed away in March. The grief can be overwhelming. The sorrow, the memories of Mother are with me. It makes me fearful of the possibility of life without my DH if things should go that way. I do find comfort in the Lord and pray that your source of comfort will serve you well.
:)
Changes to routines can upset your equilibrium and specially so if you go from busy and needed to having time to wonder what to do.
I hope your many and lovely craft projects are keeping you going and the improving spring weather should help to lift spirits.
I'm off to England again to see my Mum and family and it has raised many comments of "again!". But there will come a time and maybe not too long from now that I will not need to visit Mum any more. No point wishing I had done it later.
Keep well and I'll be in touch in about three weeks.
Cheers Gillian
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